ABC's of Conflict Avoidance and Resolution Self Defense Training For Children and Adults

A - Avoid Potentially Dangerous Situations
B - Be Calm, Breathe
C - Communicate with Confidence and Respect
D - Don't Put Yourself in A Worse Situation
E - Environment Can Be Used to Your Advantage
F - Stands For Yelling "FIRE" Instead of "HELP"
G - Get Away
H - Hit Hard, Hit Fast, Hit First

A = Avoid Potentially Dangerous Situations

The single most important step in conflict avoidance is knowing where NOT to be. The ability to recognize potentially dangerous situations is more than just common sense. It is a learned skill that should be practiced.

There are three types of people.

The first person is absolutely convinced that there is someone hiding around the corner. This person is paranoid.

The second person is absolutely convinced that there is no one around the corner. This person is naive.

The third person thinks that there might be someone waiting around the corner, so they take the appropriate precautions. This person is a careful person.

We want to you to become careful people.

Do not underestimate the value of the first step. If we can get you in the habits of being aware of your surroundings and always consciously being as careful as possible, you will be much less likely to be confronted violently.

Some potentially dangerous situations and ways to avoid them:

1. A single mother is going to the laundry room alone at night.
Solution: Go early in the morning instead and use the buddy system.

2. Driving in a strange town and getting lost.
Solution: Make sure you have an accurate map and ask for clear-cut directions. Learn what parts of town are okay and what parts you should stay away from.

3. A group of kids wanting to play around a construction site.
Solution: Talk your friends into going to the park instead.

4. A child walking home on a street with lots of traffic.
Solution: Learn alternate routes that are less crowded.


B = Be Calm, Breathe

Most people tend to become emotional and react accordingly when confronted with an intimidating situation. They might act angry, afraid, or intimidated. Remember, logic and emotion are like oil and water; they don’t mix. When you react emotionally to a situation, you are almost always going to make a poor decision that will further provoke the situation.

In order to think clearly and logically in an intimidating situation, it is important to become calm. Believe it or not, the easiest to maintain a calm disposition is to talk slow, deep breaths, rather than the fast, shallow breaths that usually accompany an emotional outburst.

"He who loses control of his emotions gives his opponent a powerful ally."

Helping to maintain a clam attitude allows you to respond, rather than react. When you can calmly respond to an intimidating situation, you have the best chance of discussing the situation peacefully, because you are appealing to the other person’s logic rather than emotion.

Another way to maintain a calm disposition in an uncomfortable situation is to visualize the aggressor in a less intimidating fashion; i.e., with a clown nose on or standing in their underwear. This obviously is not always appropriate, but can come in handy in some circumstances.

Visualize being in a threatening situation. Then try to take slow, deep breaths and remain as calm as possible. Remember, just knowing how to take deep breaths in threatening situations is not enough; it has to become second nature. The only way to make it second nature is practice. When confronted with an unavoidable situation, remaining calm is the key to responding to the situation instead of reacting to it. A simple deep breath is a powerful balm for calming the nervous system.

Also emphasize that the most dangerous emotions in a confrontation are fear and anger. Remember to put your shoulders back and tip their head up slightly to allow for deeper breaths.

C = Communicate With Confidence

Studies have shown us that most people who are the victims of violent crimes send out some sort of “signal” saying that they are vulnerable. Their body language conveys the idea that they are weak and easily intimidated.

Other studies involving people who are frequently involved with verbal or physical altercations show that these people send out signals of arrogance and disrespect.

The solution is simple. If you can learn to present yourself in a confident and respectful manner, you are less likely to attract trouble.

Let's identify the signals an insecure person sends out. How do they carry themselves? Are their shoulders hunched forward? Do they look downward, afraid to make eye contact? Do they speak softly and walk as though they are not sure where they are going?

The next step is to identify the signals that “Confident” people send out. Remember what these signals are and how to make them their own. Remember, even if a person doesn’t feel confident, they can appear confident by “acting” it.

Five basic traits of a confident person: Confident people always Look people in the eye, especially when first meeting someone.

1. Look people in the eye, especially when first meeting someone.
2. Keep their shoulders back and chin up.
3. Walk with purpose, like they know where they are going.
4. Speak clearly and confidently (but not arrogantly).
5. Appear alert and aware of their surroundings.

D = Don't Put Yourself In A Worse Situation Than You Are Already In

It is important to remember that, although we cannot always control our environment, we can always control how we respond to our environment. How we respond will usually determine the outcome.
Once we understand that we are in control of how we respond in any given situation, we also understand that our actions can either make the situation better or worse. Here are several examples:

1. In the middle of an argument, the other person starts to yell and hurl insults. Although it might be tempting, don’t react in the same manner. Instead, listen clearly to the other person’s point of view and then respond calmly. To react emotionally will only serve to make things worse.
2. If, while walking down the street, someone pulls up next to you and, at gunpoint, tells you to get into their car, refuse to do it. Although refusing to get into the car will obviously infuriate your assailant, you are still much better off than if you were to get in the car. Once in the car, you are completely at the mercy of your assailant.
3. Someone breaks into your home and is going to rob you. They tell you they are going to tie you up. Respond by letting know that they can take anything they want and you won’t get in the way, but you will not let them tie you up.
4. When walking home from school, you see a group of kids up ahead looking for trouble. Instead of walking past them, take another route home. Remember, you’re not a coward for avoiding the, you are intelligent.

E = Environment Can Be Used To Your Advantage

Being aware of your environment is critically important in making the best of a bad situation. Your environment can work for or against you. Awareness of your environment is a powerful tool for avoiding or dissipating a conflict.

A child should be taught where the “safe” houses are in the neighborhood. They should be taught whom to go to when in need of assistance. A safe choice is to teach your young students to look for someone in a uniform, a parent with child, or, in certain circumstances, even a stranger.

You should be reminded of the basics of how to use your environment to your advantage. Park in well lit areas. Stay away from known trouble spots. Shop during the day when possible. When out at night, keep the car doors locked. Use the buddy system whenever possible. Keep as much distance as possible between yourself and a would-be attacker, etc.

Learn to identify the natural weapons available to you in any given environment can be beneficial. Some natural weapons could be car keys, lip or eyeliner pencil, a coffee mug (imagine getting hit on the bridge of the nose with the rim of a coffee mug), a shoe held in the hand, or even a belt.

Brainstorm with your family and friends to come up with other natural weapons for possible defense.


F = Stands For Yelling "FIRE" Instead Of "HELP"

Yelling "Fire" is a good alternative to yelling, "Help". Often people will not respond to a direct plea for help because they are afraid to become involved. But, everyone is curious when someone yells “Fire”. The attention that yelling “Fire” brings to a situation, may be enough to dissipate it.

Also, there are other comments to shout that may be helpful, depending on the situation or the person's age. Learn alternative comments such as, "He's not my dad", or "He's trying to kidnap me". Give them choice if confronted with a potentially dangerous situation.


G = Get Away

The point in any confrontation should be to “Get Away” as soon as possible, not to “Win”. You must know that running from a dangerous situation is OK to do.

In today's climate, there are too many variables that come into play. The repercussions of winning an argument or fight aren't worth it.

Make your objective to end the conflict not to “win” the conflict. Getting away from a dangerous situation is always a top priority.

Remember the wisdom of this step by pointing out the potential for revenge if the confrontation escalates to violence or potential legal repercussions.

Also remember that this Get Away step is really their last option to avoid conflict.


H = Hit Hard, Hit Fast, Hit First

When you have done everything in your power to avoid a confrontation, but are unsuccessful, the worst thing that you can do is to let your opponent strike first. If the aggressor steps inside your comfort zone, you have two options. The first is to step back out of range; the second is to strike. If you are forced to defend yourself, don’t hesitate! Hit Hard, Hit Fast, Hit First.

A person who knows how to strike without telegraphing and is close enough to touch the opponent can almost, without exception, be effective with the first strike or two. This is why it is important to strike first; because if your opponent strikes first, chances are you are going to get hit.

If you strike first, but pick a poor target and/or a weak strike, you will probably lose your advantage. That is why having effective striking zones is important.

Programming basic, powerful strikes to designated areas; such as neck, nose, knee, and groin; will give your students a powerful advantage.

From H to A

Once a situation has become a violent confrontation, practice and training yourself to work backwards from H to A.

First "Hit Hard, Hit Fast, Hit First"(H)

Then "Get Away" (G)

As you exit the situation, yell "FIRE" to attract attention to mitigate further conflict (F)

Pay attention to how your "Environment" will benefit your safety (E)

So you "Don't Put Yourself in a Worse Situation Than You Are Already In"(D)

"Communicate With Confidence" your needs to anyone in uniform, or even a stranger who can help eliminate the conflict. (C)

Remember to "Be Calm and Breathe" to remain in control of your body (B)

Finally, use what you learned from this situation to "Avoid a Potentially Dangerous Situations" in the future (A)

* Thank you to Kyoshi Dave Kovar at Kovars Satori Academy for these tools.
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Here is our take on the subject with some modifications from a professional protector.

The ABC's of Personal Safety from a Security Self Defense Specialist

Self Defense Tips - The ABC's of Personal Safety and Security for Personal Protection

Self defense is something everyone knows that we should learn, yet few actually do. Rather than use a few self defense or fighting tips as an emotional pacifier, it is important to test and apply what you think you know. It is through this process that self defense competence is built.

With self defense competence comes personal protection and security confidence. A good self defense instructor will ad to your peace of mind and help you use your innate survival signals and skills to bring to bear in protecting yourself and/or the ones you love.

When you learn to defend yourself you are less likely to have to because:

1. You tend to avoid potentially dangerous situations because you recognize them earlier
2. You are more likely to trust your intuition/gut feelings therefore act on them
3. Project more confidence which often removes you from the victim profile. Criminals like easy targets, not difficult ones.

HERE ARE A FEW OF OUR ABC's OF PERSONAL PROTECTION - SELF DEFENSE STRATEGIES FOR PERSONAL SECURITY

Alert to Avoid Potentially Dangerous Situations

• Knowledge and Awareness of dangerous situations and how criminals operate
• Trusting instincts and Acting on intuition
• Always observe safe habits and practices
• Remember, we are always building habits - so practice good ones

Breathe and Be Calm by Believing you have options

• Belly Breath with Backpressure on exhale helps manage stress, adrenaline and fear
• Be looking for opportunities, weapons, barriers, escape routes and targets
• Be prepared with training and a plan but Be flexible

Communicate with Confidence and Commit

• Clearly say and demonstrate directly what you mean and mean what you say
• Change the Context of any situation you feel might lead to a violent encounter
• Commit to your plan and execute with intensity

Distance

• Whenever you increase distance, you increase time and options and usually deny the targets

Eyes on targets and Escape options

• Eyes, neck, groin, knees, Everything's a weapon, Escape

Recommended reading: "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker

Personal Security and Self-Defense Training Courses
Dinoto Karate Center
127 Ark Road
Mount Laurel NJ 08054
856-235-0414
http://mountlaurelmartialarts.com/

* Credit for the original ABC's of Conflict Avoidance to Kiyoshi Dave Kovar http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpcB_2_kMKs

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This blog is part of Peter Liciaga's effort to promote Dinoto Karate Center (http://www.MountLaurelMartialArts.com) and the Ultimate Black Belt Test Program ( http://www.ultimateblackbelttest.com), which is an undertaking of The 100. (http://www.the100.us/), and a part of Peter Liciaga's Dream 100 Project.

Manage "Karate Refusal"

If your child seems to get sick every time it's time to go to karate (or school), the main goal in managing this is keeping your child on track to doing what we know is helpful and necessary for their mental and physical growth. Unfortunately, when your child seems sick and are trying to stay home from karate, it is not always easy to recognize that they are avoiding karate.

That is why a visit to your pediatrician is usually a good first step when your kids don’t want to go to karate. This can help ensure that your child doesn’t have a physical condition causing his symptoms. Unfortunately, while a physical condition can often be ruled out after your pediatrician talks to you and your child and does a physical exam, some children with "school refusal" end up seeing multiple specialists and having many tests before a diagnosis is finally made.

Once a diagnosis of school (karate) refusal is made, it can help to:

• make sure that your child goes to karate on the scheduled day, since the more he stays home, the harder it will be to get him to get back on track.
• understand that even though your child likely doesn’t have a physical problem causing his symptoms, that doesn’t mean that those symptoms aren’t real. So your child isn’t necessarily making up symptoms, such as stomachaches or headaches. They may just be caused by his anxiety about going to karate.
• talk to your child and his karate teacher to see if you can figure out what is triggering your child’s karate avoidance behaviors, such as a bully, karate performance problems, or challenge fitting in.
• consider getting help from a child psychiatrist and/or a child psychologist, in addition to your pediatrician, especially if you feel like you are having to force your child to go to karate.
• have a plan for when your child has symptoms at karate, such as spending 5 to 10 minutes sitting on the side and then returning to class.
• keep a symptom diary and see / speak to your pediatrician regularly keeping them in the loop.
• consider family therapy if there are any stressors at home, like a divorce, separation, discipline problems, death in the family, new sibling, or a recent move.

One of the most important things for parents is to be open to the idea that a child’s symptoms might be caused by "school refusal" and not a physical problem. This will help get your child back on track faster and avoid unnecessary medical tests. Even if you are not convinced that your child has "school refusal" after seeing your pediatrician, you can keep your child in school as you proceed with a second opinion or further evaluation for a physical problem.

Definition of "School Refusal"

School Refusal Overview


School refusal occurs when a student will not go to school or frequently experiences severe distress related to school attendance. Comprehensive treatment of school refusal, including psychiatric and medical evaluation when appropriate, is important because studies show that psychiatric disorders are the cause for up to 46% of students who fail to complete high school in the United States. Parents can do several things to help their child who refuses to attend school and treatment may be necessary. With treatment, the rate of remission is excellent; approximately 83% of children with school refusal who were treated with cognitive therapy were attending school at 1-year follow-up. School refusal is considered more of a symptom than a disorder and can have various causes. Read more

The gift of Teaching - A Child's Life Within My Power!

This blog is part of Peter Liciaga's community activism effort for the Ultimate Black Belt Test Program ( http://www.ultimateblackbelttest.com/ ), which is an undertaking of The 100. ( http://www.the100.us/ ), and a part of Peter Liciaga's Dream 100 Project.

Empowering the Parenting - My Child's Behavior is so bad, where do I begin? How to Coach your child Forward

After teaching a couple karate classes yesterday, I found myself in several conversations with parents about their child's behavior (negative) and some suggestions on what they can do.

Here is an article I read from a parent's resource site.

My Child's Behavior is so bad, where do I begin?
How to Coach Your Child Forward
by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor

“My child misbehaves so much that I don’t even know where to start!” This is one of the most common things we hear on the Parental Support Line, and it’s an understandable problem. Many parents tell me they feel overwhelmed, frustrated and anxious when dealing with their child or teen’s acting out behavior; they wonder how they’ll be able to tackle so many issues at once. But here’s a secret: thinking about the problem in this way will only make you feel defeated before you even start.

“Start where your child is and coach them forward.”

James Lehman says: “Start where your child is and coach them forward.” In other words, build on your child’s strengths and keep your expectations reasonable. We also recommend that you not try to tackle everything at once, but pick one or two behaviors you want to change and then move on from there. Remember, your overall goal is to see your child make improvements—it’s not simply to have your child do what you tell them to do.

If you feel completely overwhelmed by your child’s behavior problems, here are 8 tips to help you focus on changing your child's behavior, step by step.

1. Try to Have Reasonable Goals.
   
   I think that many times instead of trying to make gradual changes, parents expect that all the inappropriate behavior will stop immediately. The truth is, you might see certain behaviors stop right away, but it doesn’t necessarily mean your child will never act out again. It’s not going to be instantaneous, and it will take just as much practice on your part as it does on your child’s part. Change takes time. It’s not just you who needs time practicing new techniques. Your child also needs to practice so he can learn by repetition. The reason you want to ask for reasonable change is because your child cannot make major changes all at once.
2. Coaching Your Child Forward: Know What His Strengths Are
   It’s important to have a good idea of what your child is capable of doing. Here’s an example: Some kids have an issue like ADD or ADHD. It’s important to get a really good understanding of what ADHD looks like in your child. Is it hard for him to focus and stay organized? Maybe he daydreams when he’s supposed to be working. Every child is different, and it’s important for you to modify your expectations accordingly. It’s also important for your child to know what his strengths and weaknesses are so he can recognize when he’s getting off track and learn how to get back on. After determining what your child’s strengths and weaknesses are, understand that he will make improvements from that starting point.
   
   I’ve seen kids who are defiant or oppositional completely throw in the towel because they’re not capable of doing what you’re asking, particularly in relation to school work. That’s why it’s extremely important to find out what your child’s abilities are and begin right there. That’s one of the most important steps in making sure your expectations are reasonable.
3. Keep in Mind That Your Child is Working Toward a Goal
   Accept that your child is working toward a goal. In other words, your child is probably not going to be able to stop his inappropriate behavior on a dime. If your teen is in the habit of getting his way by intimidating others in the family with his angry outbursts, understand that this behavior is not going to go away immediately. Work with him on making small steps toward good behavior. You might say, “You need to give me your cell phone for the next two hours until you can behave and talk appropriately.” The key is that during that time, your child is practicing this new skill. You’re not saying, “That’s it—you’ve lost your phone all day.” Many kids struggle with punishments that last too long and end up giving up halfway through. Instead, you want to have short-term goals throughout the day. Work toward short-term accomplishments and successes all day long.
4. Pick One Behavior to Work on at a Time
   When I ask parents what they’d like to start working on with their child, many say general things like, “I just want my kid to listen to me,” or “I want my teen to do what I ask him to do when I ask him.” I think it’s very important to pick a specific behavior to start with and a time of day when it should be accomplished. When you’re just beginning to use the techniques in the Total Transformation Program, it’s important to put some structure in your child’s schedule or else you’re too likely to get into a power struggle with him each time you ask him to stop what he’s doing and do what you want. Choose a concrete behavior, such as doing homework daily, or being home at curfew, instead of working on your child’s attitude. You might feel concerned because you’re letting other behaviors slide when you focus on just one, but realize that your child is actually learning skills when he changes one behavior at a time—skills that he will be able to use in all situations going forward. Primarily, he is learning how to do what he doesn’t feel like doing, and that there will be a consequence if he behaves inappropriately. Make no mistake, a lot is happening when you choose one behavior at a time and work solely on it.
5. Start with Physical Behavior
   Many parents ask, “Where do I start?” I always recommend that you begin with physical behavior first. It could be a safety issue, like your child sneaking out of the house at night. Many parents will say that back talk is the biggest thing they’re dealing with. It’s really hard for them to tolerate, and that’s natural. But if your child is not coming home at night, I suggest putting backtalk aside for a bit and focusing on making sure he’s safe and complying with house rules regarding curfew.
   
   Physical behavior can also apply to kids who act out and are destructive or abusive at home. If your child is punching holes in the walls or intimidating his siblings physically, you want to start there. We recommend that you adopt James’ philosophy of, “There’s no excuse for abuse” in your family. Let your kids know there will be stern consequences for their actions and follow through on them.
   
   A lot of parents will avoid tackling these big issues because it’s easier to pick something small than it is to address the big scary things. But if it’s a health or safety concern I don’t think you have any choice—that should always come first.
6. Can’t Decide Which Behavior to Tackle First? Get Some Help
   There are some instances where you may be forced to deal with two behaviors at the same time. Let’s say your child talks back to you while you’re trying to help him complete his homework assignment, and you’re not sure which behavior to address first. This is where the Total Transformation Parental Support Line can be really helpful. We can help you determine, based on your child and what his overall behavior is like, what the best issue is to address first. We can tell you what technique to really focus on and which ones to set aside for later—and we’ll help you come up with a practical strategy.
7. If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to be Making Enough Progress…
   A common stumbling block for parents is when they feel as if their child isn’t making enough progress. But remember, the goal is that your child improves—not that they will listen to you 100% of the time. It’s very different.
   
   Sometimes you can change that by changing your parenting techniques and the house rules. Power struggles between you and your child will usually cause him to dig in and not cooperate. Putting more structure into place is sometimes necessary. You might say, “You have to do your chores Saturday morning if you want to go out Saturday night. Get started at 10:00 a.m.”
   
   At other times, your child might be having real difficulty making improvements. James Lehman says we have to “parent the child we have and not the child we wish we had.” He reminds us that our kids are unique individuals. This brings us back to the importance of determining your child’s capabilities—again, be sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable.
8. Don’t Take It Personally
   Many parents also get trapped in wanting their kids to feel a certain way. They want their kids to care about cleaning their room or to care about the effect doing homework will have on their future. The truth is, it’s not your child’s fault; he’s really not wired to feel that way yet. The important thing is not that your child cares, it’s that he learns how to do things even if he doesn’t feel like doing them. This is a huge life skill.
   
   When you’re working to have your child’s behavior change, try to pay attention to what it looks like rather than what your child is saying. James says to ask yourself, “What would I see if I were watching this on television with the sound turned down? What would my child’s behavior look like right now?” I think this is a really good way to visualize what behavior is when you’re having a hard time separating it from what your child says or feels. Just ask yourself, “What is my child doing?”
   
   Let’s say the sound is turned down and you see your teenager fighting with you, then he’s stomping off to clean his room. He may be sullen and have a bad attitude, but he’s also doing what you asked. Work on the behavior first, and the attitude will come. James says, “Don’t feel your way to better behavior; behave your way to better feelings.” And that’s exactly what you want your child to do.

Sometimes in parenting, it really is “two steps forward, one step back.” But remember, even if that’s the case, you are still moving forward. Yes, your child will challenge you. He’ll come back and test you to see if things have really changed; he’ll see if he can get you to go back to the way you used to be, particularly if he was calling all the shots. But stand your ground and eventually his behavior will change. One way to stay encouraged is to remember where your child started and compare it to the progress he’s made. It’s also important to encourage your child when this happens. Keep saying things like, “I know you can make improvements because you have already done it. Keep at this.”

For more articles, visit http://www.empoweringparents.com/