How Kids Learn To Follow Directions and Ways to Get Your Child to Listen

The Professional Martial Arts Educator’s Corner

Learning to follow directions is very important life skill. From being a “First Time Listener” to following directions, a martial arts educator’s number one priority is to make sure all students understand the importance of being the best student they can be and this begins with following directions.

Developmentally we measure whether it is a one step command or more, but in the whole scheme of life it is much more important than that. Your Mount Laurel Martial Arts educator, Peter Liciaga, offers some practical suggestions for improving your child’s compliance with doing what they are told.

As martial arts professionals, we can help teach parents these techniques. These techniques increase parental follow through which can produce the desired results from their children. We can also use these ideas ourselves, in our interactions with children and families, to achieve the cooperation we are striving for.

How Kids Learn to Follow Directions:
13 Easy Ways to get Your Children to Listen -- and Mind

Reported Created by Peter Liciaga

When I went to my five-year-old son’s room-20 minutes after I’d sent him to his room to put on his karate uniform –Christian was sitting on the floor in his play clothes, happily playing with his Hot Wheels. Though I tried to stay calm, my voice grew sharp with annoyance as I asked, "What are you doing? I told you to get ready for karate!"

Few things are as frustrating and as infuriating, as having our children ignore our instructions. But how do we convince our children that it's important to follow directions—not just to please us or avoid punishments, but to make their own lives easier as well? After all, a child's health and safety can depend on his ability to follow orders and direction. And kids function better in school, sports and other group activities when they know how to carry out instructions. Here's some expert guidance on getting your kids to do as they're told.

What to avoid

The methods parents typically use to get children to listen are often ineffective or actually encourage noncompliance, according to a study by Edward Christophersen, PhD, professor of pediatrics at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri, and author of Beyond Discipline: Parenting That Lasts a Lifetime (Westport Publishers). He and other experts advise steering clear of some common mistakes.

·         Don't say "don't." A negative instruction like "Don't let me come home and find that you still haven't done your homework!" is much more likely to be ignored than one that gives a positive alternative, such as "Please get started on your homework right after you eat your snack this afternoon." Emphasizing what your child is not to do has pitfalls, Chistophersen says. Kids under age frequently misunderstand negative directions—particularly if they are shouted—and may hear "Don't bring that wet dog into your room" as a command to "Bring the wet dog into your room." Older children may find that disregarding a "don't" can be more rewarding than obeying it: They get your attention that way.

·         Reasoning gets little or no results. Explaining why certain actions are undesirable—"If you leave your toys lying around, you might trip over them and hurt yourself"—has no impact on children under age six, Christophersen finds. Your words simply go in one ear and out the other. "A young child doesn't relate to abstract future consequences, so he's not likely to be motivated by a warning like this. Since he isn't hurt right now, he doesn't feel there's anything to worry about."

With an older child, a detailed list of reasons for every rule can spark a tedious debate or, at best, create short-lived compliance, he adds. You might get a 10-year-old to return a book to the library on time by explaining that if she doesn't, she'll have to pay the fine out of her allowance. However, she'll probably forget to return the next book she borrows because at this age, dipping into her piggy bank isn't nearly as painful as wasting precious playtime to walk to the library.

·         The more you nag, the less kids listen. It's very easy for parents to slip into the "nagging and shouting syndrome," observes psychotherapist James Windell, MA, author of Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes (Macmillan Books). "When a child doesn't respond the first time she's told to do something, parents often repeat the request over and over until they finally lose their temper and start shouting. The message you give your child when you let her tune you out many times is that there's no need to pay attention to you until you're screaming."

·         Avoid empty ultimatums or threats. Making impulsive threats when a child doesn't listen, such as "Do this right now, or I'm going to ground you!" is another common mistake parents make, Windell says. This can create a no-win situation, because kids resent being forced to give in. As a result, they often get angry and end up focusing on that anger instead of concentrating on what you asked them to do.

Tactics to try

With a few minor adjustments in the way you give directions, you can prevent communication problems as well as create an atmosphere that encourages cooperation. These attention-getting strategies will help you get your message through to your kids.

·         Lay the right groundwork. The time to work on better communication with your child isn't when you're already knee-deep in conflict over something he's forgotten to do, but during the calm moments of the day, says Susan K. Golant, co-author of Getting Through to Your Kids (Lowell House). "Show your child you're curious about what's going on with him, so he feels comfortable discussing any problems that may be making him less attentive than usual. You might want to set aside time each day to talk."

What if your child is too young for such discussions? "Play activities are a good way to elicit a preschooler's feelings," adds Golant. "If your four-year-old is being balky, you could use dolls or puppets to act out the situation. She'll probably laugh when she sees the 'child' puppet dawdling instead of getting dressed or eating dinner. Then you can ask her why the puppet is doing that. Also try giving her the 'Mommy' puppet, so you can see how she perceives your behavior toward her. You may get some unexpected insights into how you interact with each other."

·         Define your expectations. A key step to having your child hear you is to decide exactly what you'd like him to do, emphasizes Windell. "Many parents fail to tell their kids what they expect of them—but get angry anyway when their child doesn't do a particular task," he says. "Mom or Dad comes home from work, sees their kid has left dirty dishes and food out in the kitchen, then greets him with an outburst, such as 'What's wrong with you? Can't you even clean up your own mess?' Since the child was never given clear instructions to do this, he'll get angry about this unjust attack, and that leads to an unpleasant confrontation."

A more productive approach would be to come up with a precise, positive guideline you want your child to follow. For example, try saying "After your snack, I want you to put your dishes in the dishwasher and the food back in the fridge."

·         Get her undivided attention. Before telling your child about an important rule or expectation, eliminate potential distractions. If he's playing, ask him to put down his toys for a minute, then move them out of his reach. Turn off the TV or radio, and sit down next to him. Make sure he is facing you before you speak—you may need to gently turn his shoulders toward you or touch his cheek to get his total attention. Next, look him right in the eyes, and use his name: "Christian, I need you to ask me before you go out into the yard."

·         Let your child help make some of the rules. Everyone, kids and adults, wants to have a say in things that concern them. To help your child feel that he's not always being bossed around, request feedback from him if possible as you make a new rule or give him instructions to do something. For example, a 10-year-old might be told, "I notice that there are candy wrappers on your floor. What do you think would be a good rule to help you remember to throw them away in the future?" Giving a child a say gives him motivation to follow the rule or direction—and he's less likely to claim you're unfair.

·         Give choices—not commands. Whenever possible, let your kids decide how or when to follow your directions. With a five-year-old, you might say, "You need to put away your crayons. Do you want to do that now or in fifteen minutes?" Again, giving your child some say in what procedures she's to follow can often prevent power struggles.

Be careful, however, not to use words implying that not doing the task is one of the options, notes Windell. "If you say, 'Would you mind taking the garbage out?' your youngster probably won't realize this is meant as a rhetorical question. She's likely to argue with you, because in her mind, the answer is yes, she would mind taking the garbage out and would rather have somebody else do it. If you want to offer her a choice, make it clear that what she gets to decide is when to do the job, not whether to do it."

·         Make instructions easy to understand. Many parents give directions that are too broad and open to misinterpretation. Instead of just telling your nine-year-old to clean out his closet, break the task down into several steps, and stay with him until the job is completed. You might begin by saying, "Put the dirty clothes in the hamper." Next, tell him, "Put all the toys in this box." Then say, "Throw those crumpled papers in your wastebasket."

·         Ask your child to repeat your request. Getting your youngster to recite rules and instructions out loud can prevent tearful protests of "I didn't know" or "I didn't understand" later on. Ask young, easily distracted kids to repeat your directions silently to themselves several times. Offer older kids a written checklist or, better still, have them write down the information themselves.

·         Create positive and negative consequences. Offering a reward for following your directions, and a penalty for disregarding them, has two important advantages, Windell says. First, you'll provide motivation for your child to mind you when you tell her that if she finishes her homework by six, she'll have time to watch her favorite TV show. Then you'll reinforce the message by reminding her that if she doesn't, the TV will stay off all evening. "You'll also give your kid the freedom to decide how she wants to behave, instead of giving her the feeling she's being forced to do what you say," observes Windell.

·         Acknowledge good behavior. Do you pay more attention to your kids when they shout or ignore you than when they quietly follow directions? "What most parents don't realize is that even so-called 'negative' attention can reinforce disobedience unless you make an effort to balance it by noticing and appreciating your kids when they're being good," says Christophersen. "Give them a brief hug or a kind word anytime you see they're doing something you approve of. You don't have to make a big deal of it—a quick pat on the back now and then can do more to get your kids to cooperate than an hour of reprimands." So stop scolding, and start setting loving limits that make everybody feel good about doing what you say, when you say it!

Education Activist, Peter Liciaga, is a Master Martial Arts Educator and a father of two who lives in Mount Laurel, New Jersey.

Peter is also a Master Instructor at Dinoto Karate Center in Mount Laurel NJ and a member of The 100 and The Ultimate Black Belt Test. Both programs were created by instructor, mentor and friend, Tom Callos, who has over 40 years experience teaching and training in the martial arts.

Constantly Catch Your Kids Doing Something Right

From Dave Kovar's Blog!

This is an excerpt my book, “A Dad’s Toolbox for Better Parenting”. This story is titled “Constantly catch your child doing things right” and it illustrates a great example of what not to do with your relationships.

As a child, I spent a lot of time down the street at the Gray family’s house. They had a pool, a billiards table and a whole lot of ice cream in the freezer. The only drawback was Mrs. Gray. All the kids referred to her as the “neighborhood nag.” She was constantly on both of her boys and, for that matter, her boys’ friends. Nothing was ever done well enough to suit her. She constantly found fault.

One day, Mr. Gray asked his sons and me to clean up the kitchen before Mrs. Gray got home. We went to it, almost excited as we anticipated Mrs. Gray’s compliment on a job well done. Upon her return, the boys raced out to meet her, excited to show her what we had accomplished. Instead of appreciating our efforts, she complained that the floor hadn’t been swept and the garbage had not been emptied. I remained friends with the Gray boys for years to come. I didn’t see them try to please their mother after that incident. After all, pleasing her was impossible. Why even try?

Over the years, their relationship with their mother continued to deteriorate until, last I heard, they no longer had contact with her. I know she loved her boys, but in her attempt to “make them better,” she never praised their efforts or caught them doing things right. Mrs. Gray taught me a lot of what not to do as a parent. Correcting my children is necessary at times, but I spend more time looking for what they’re doing right. The more I look, the more I discover.

_______________________________________________________________________________

The Kovar Story

In 1978, Kyoshi (Master Teacher) Dave Kovar opened his first school with a vision to empower people by teaching martial arts on a completely different level than could be found anywhere else. He was soon joined by his brother Tim who brought innovative business practices to the operation. Their reputation for combining self defense and life skills grew and as the word spread, Kovar’s Martial Arts opened new locations, garnered awards, earned prestigious industry accolades and gained nationwide recognition.


Today, the organization is named Kovar’s Satori Academy, adding in the Japanese word ‘Satori’ which symbolizes our goal for all students: Which means to be “in the moment… at your best.”

If you would like a free copy of Dave's book, "A Dad's Toolbox for Better Parenting", call Dinoto Karate Center in Mount Laurel NJ at 856-235-0414.

We are committed to families and communities.

Empowering the Parenting - My Child's Behavior is so bad, where do I begin? How to Coach your child Forward

After teaching a couple karate classes yesterday, I found myself in several conversations with parents about their child's behavior (negative) and some suggestions on what they can do.

Here is an article I read from a parent's resource site.

My Child's Behavior is so bad, where do I begin?
How to Coach Your Child Forward
by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor

“My child misbehaves so much that I don’t even know where to start!” This is one of the most common things we hear on the Parental Support Line, and it’s an understandable problem. Many parents tell me they feel overwhelmed, frustrated and anxious when dealing with their child or teen’s acting out behavior; they wonder how they’ll be able to tackle so many issues at once. But here’s a secret: thinking about the problem in this way will only make you feel defeated before you even start.

“Start where your child is and coach them forward.”

James Lehman says: “Start where your child is and coach them forward.” In other words, build on your child’s strengths and keep your expectations reasonable. We also recommend that you not try to tackle everything at once, but pick one or two behaviors you want to change and then move on from there. Remember, your overall goal is to see your child make improvements—it’s not simply to have your child do what you tell them to do.

If you feel completely overwhelmed by your child’s behavior problems, here are 8 tips to help you focus on changing your child's behavior, step by step.

1. Try to Have Reasonable Goals.
   
   I think that many times instead of trying to make gradual changes, parents expect that all the inappropriate behavior will stop immediately. The truth is, you might see certain behaviors stop right away, but it doesn’t necessarily mean your child will never act out again. It’s not going to be instantaneous, and it will take just as much practice on your part as it does on your child’s part. Change takes time. It’s not just you who needs time practicing new techniques. Your child also needs to practice so he can learn by repetition. The reason you want to ask for reasonable change is because your child cannot make major changes all at once.
2. Coaching Your Child Forward: Know What His Strengths Are
   It’s important to have a good idea of what your child is capable of doing. Here’s an example: Some kids have an issue like ADD or ADHD. It’s important to get a really good understanding of what ADHD looks like in your child. Is it hard for him to focus and stay organized? Maybe he daydreams when he’s supposed to be working. Every child is different, and it’s important for you to modify your expectations accordingly. It’s also important for your child to know what his strengths and weaknesses are so he can recognize when he’s getting off track and learn how to get back on. After determining what your child’s strengths and weaknesses are, understand that he will make improvements from that starting point.
   
   I’ve seen kids who are defiant or oppositional completely throw in the towel because they’re not capable of doing what you’re asking, particularly in relation to school work. That’s why it’s extremely important to find out what your child’s abilities are and begin right there. That’s one of the most important steps in making sure your expectations are reasonable.
3. Keep in Mind That Your Child is Working Toward a Goal
   Accept that your child is working toward a goal. In other words, your child is probably not going to be able to stop his inappropriate behavior on a dime. If your teen is in the habit of getting his way by intimidating others in the family with his angry outbursts, understand that this behavior is not going to go away immediately. Work with him on making small steps toward good behavior. You might say, “You need to give me your cell phone for the next two hours until you can behave and talk appropriately.” The key is that during that time, your child is practicing this new skill. You’re not saying, “That’s it—you’ve lost your phone all day.” Many kids struggle with punishments that last too long and end up giving up halfway through. Instead, you want to have short-term goals throughout the day. Work toward short-term accomplishments and successes all day long.
4. Pick One Behavior to Work on at a Time
   When I ask parents what they’d like to start working on with their child, many say general things like, “I just want my kid to listen to me,” or “I want my teen to do what I ask him to do when I ask him.” I think it’s very important to pick a specific behavior to start with and a time of day when it should be accomplished. When you’re just beginning to use the techniques in the Total Transformation Program, it’s important to put some structure in your child’s schedule or else you’re too likely to get into a power struggle with him each time you ask him to stop what he’s doing and do what you want. Choose a concrete behavior, such as doing homework daily, or being home at curfew, instead of working on your child’s attitude. You might feel concerned because you’re letting other behaviors slide when you focus on just one, but realize that your child is actually learning skills when he changes one behavior at a time—skills that he will be able to use in all situations going forward. Primarily, he is learning how to do what he doesn’t feel like doing, and that there will be a consequence if he behaves inappropriately. Make no mistake, a lot is happening when you choose one behavior at a time and work solely on it.
5. Start with Physical Behavior
   Many parents ask, “Where do I start?” I always recommend that you begin with physical behavior first. It could be a safety issue, like your child sneaking out of the house at night. Many parents will say that back talk is the biggest thing they’re dealing with. It’s really hard for them to tolerate, and that’s natural. But if your child is not coming home at night, I suggest putting backtalk aside for a bit and focusing on making sure he’s safe and complying with house rules regarding curfew.
   
   Physical behavior can also apply to kids who act out and are destructive or abusive at home. If your child is punching holes in the walls or intimidating his siblings physically, you want to start there. We recommend that you adopt James’ philosophy of, “There’s no excuse for abuse” in your family. Let your kids know there will be stern consequences for their actions and follow through on them.
   
   A lot of parents will avoid tackling these big issues because it’s easier to pick something small than it is to address the big scary things. But if it’s a health or safety concern I don’t think you have any choice—that should always come first.
6. Can’t Decide Which Behavior to Tackle First? Get Some Help
   There are some instances where you may be forced to deal with two behaviors at the same time. Let’s say your child talks back to you while you’re trying to help him complete his homework assignment, and you’re not sure which behavior to address first. This is where the Total Transformation Parental Support Line can be really helpful. We can help you determine, based on your child and what his overall behavior is like, what the best issue is to address first. We can tell you what technique to really focus on and which ones to set aside for later—and we’ll help you come up with a practical strategy.
7. If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to be Making Enough Progress…
   A common stumbling block for parents is when they feel as if their child isn’t making enough progress. But remember, the goal is that your child improves—not that they will listen to you 100% of the time. It’s very different.
   
   Sometimes you can change that by changing your parenting techniques and the house rules. Power struggles between you and your child will usually cause him to dig in and not cooperate. Putting more structure into place is sometimes necessary. You might say, “You have to do your chores Saturday morning if you want to go out Saturday night. Get started at 10:00 a.m.”
   
   At other times, your child might be having real difficulty making improvements. James Lehman says we have to “parent the child we have and not the child we wish we had.” He reminds us that our kids are unique individuals. This brings us back to the importance of determining your child’s capabilities—again, be sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable.
8. Don’t Take It Personally
   Many parents also get trapped in wanting their kids to feel a certain way. They want their kids to care about cleaning their room or to care about the effect doing homework will have on their future. The truth is, it’s not your child’s fault; he’s really not wired to feel that way yet. The important thing is not that your child cares, it’s that he learns how to do things even if he doesn’t feel like doing them. This is a huge life skill.
   
   When you’re working to have your child’s behavior change, try to pay attention to what it looks like rather than what your child is saying. James says to ask yourself, “What would I see if I were watching this on television with the sound turned down? What would my child’s behavior look like right now?” I think this is a really good way to visualize what behavior is when you’re having a hard time separating it from what your child says or feels. Just ask yourself, “What is my child doing?”
   
   Let’s say the sound is turned down and you see your teenager fighting with you, then he’s stomping off to clean his room. He may be sullen and have a bad attitude, but he’s also doing what you asked. Work on the behavior first, and the attitude will come. James says, “Don’t feel your way to better behavior; behave your way to better feelings.” And that’s exactly what you want your child to do.

Sometimes in parenting, it really is “two steps forward, one step back.” But remember, even if that’s the case, you are still moving forward. Yes, your child will challenge you. He’ll come back and test you to see if things have really changed; he’ll see if he can get you to go back to the way you used to be, particularly if he was calling all the shots. But stand your ground and eventually his behavior will change. One way to stay encouraged is to remember where your child started and compare it to the progress he’s made. It’s also important to encourage your child when this happens. Keep saying things like, “I know you can make improvements because you have already done it. Keep at this.”

For more articles, visit http://www.empoweringparents.com/